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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The secret behind making a marriage work 讓婚姻成功背後的秘訣

The secret behind making a marriage work

August 12, 2012


Bangalore, India

1356

There is a connection between Emotion, Sound and Raga (melody).
The last bhajan that was sung had the Jogiya Raga. You cannot associate this raga to Radha. If you say, ‘Shiva, Shiva’, it can be associated with the Raga of dispassion.
Once somebody was invited to a marriage reception and was requested to sing. He started to sing (in Kannada), ’Why did you leave the body and go, dear soul? Is this death justified?’ Does this song suit the occasion?
You cannot sing any song anywhere. The Emotion and Raga must match.

Our life is similar to this. The river of life is flowing but instead of focusing on moving ahead, we keep going backwards.

You may have observed that at certain points in a flowing river, if there is an obstruction, the flow is backwards. And wherever the flow is backwards, dirt accumulates there. The water that flows forward is clean.
Similarly, if we keep moving ahead, there is pleasantness in the mind. If we keep on thinking about the past, our mind becomes a mess. This is my opinion. What do you say?
No one is asking any questions today! This can only be due to two reasons. One is if you know everything. The other is if you cannot understand even one word that I am saying (since Gurudev was speaking in Kannada). Which situation are you in?
Audience: When we see you, we forget all questions!
That is good.

Q: What is the secret behind making a marriage work?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: I think you are asking the wrong person!
There was a gentleman here from Germany and a lady from Italy. Both of them had married several times before. They came here and said, ‘Gurudev, we want your blessings. At least this marriage should work.’
I asked the gentleman if he knew Italian and he said no. I asked the lady if she knew German and she said no. Both of them did not know English. I said, ‘Don’t learn each others language then it will work!’

There is a proverb in Kannada which says, ‘It is only through words that conflicts begin. It is only through words that people have fun. It is only through words that people gain wealth. So, words should be used sparingly.’

Usually, when people have some misunderstanding, they say, ‘Let us talk it out.’
The talk it out does not work at all. We should never talk it out. Just move on, that’s it! Don’t sit and discuss the past. Don’t ask any explanation about the past. When a mistake happens, it happened, that’s it. You should move on.
Just imagine yourself in a position where you do a mistake and someone keeps asking for an explanation about your mistake. It is such a burden to explain to somebody or to justify oneself, right? 

Never make the other person feel guilty. This is very important. Anyone whom you make to feel guilty will cease to be your friend somewhere deep inside. The bond of friendship gets loosened.
There is a skill in making a person aware of his mistake without making him feel guilty.
However, the normal tendency in human beings is to make someone feel guilty and then feel happy about it. We have to rise above this normal tendency, and not make someone feel guilty. Then, your relationship will be longstanding. 


There is one secret for women and one for men. Maybe this will work if you think about it. For women, you should never step on the ego of your man.
The whole world may say to a gentleman that he has no brains, but the wife should never say that. She should always say, ‘You are the most intelligent person on the planet. Just the fact that you don’t use your brain does not mean you don’t have it!’
She should always pump his ego. This is very much essential.
If the lady keeps telling her partner, ‘You are good for nothing. You are a vegetable’, he will really become one! 

Now, the secret for men – A man should never step on the emotions of a woman. She may complain to you about her brother, or mother, or family, but you should not join the bandwagon. The moment you start nodding at her complaint, she will turn around. Instead of dwelling on her complaints, she will complain about you. She will start turning the wheel around. 

And if she wants to go for some religious program, pilgrimage, movie or shopping, just agree and give her the credit card!
So, if you don’t step on the emotion of a woman, everything will be fine.

Now for both of you – Don’t ask proof of the other person’s love for you.
Don’t ask, ’Do you really love me?’ Never give the burden to someone to prove his or her love for you. Do you see what I am saying?
If you find their love for you is less, you should say, ’Why do you love me so much?’ Don’t say, ’You don’t love me’, and things like that.

Q: If someone provokes us, should we keep quiet or teach them a lesson? If we keep quiet then they consider it as a weakness, and if we teach them a lesson, they say that we have not grown spiritually.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: To teach someone a lesson, you should be calm. If you have anger, if you are disturbed, you cannot teach someone a lesson.
At the same time, you cannot keep turning the other cheek all the time.
Teach the lesson, but with compassion. This will give you strength.
When you have understood the position of a person and why they are provoking you, you will deal with them with a calm and serene mind.

Q: How do we tackle people who constantly spread negativity around us?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: First of all, know that nobody can constantly spread negativity. Second, deal with it with skill.
Third is to ignore.

Q: Can you please explain, how should I deal with this situation? I love a person unconditionally but that person takes me for granted. How do I deal with that pain?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Oh, they take you for granted? They don’t love you back? They don’t express their love to you, is that the problem? Well, do not question their love.
If you find that they are not being loving, instead of accusing them saying, ‘You do not love me’, ask them, ‘Why do you love me so much?’
Just imagine, if someone keeps accusing you, saying you are not kind to them, you are not pleasant with them, you are not friendly, what happens to you?
(Answer: We feel we are being nagged)
Yes! Now do you know what you are doing to the other person? Got it?
Nobody wants to be in the company of a person who complains all the time.
Does anybody want to be in the company of a person who nags you, and to whom you have to explain and give proof of your love all the time? No! It is such a burden, such boredom!
A good company is one who always uplifts the spirit. If somebody is not in a good mood, they say, ‘Hey, come on! Forget about it. Let’s move on.’
Someone who has enthusiasm, someone who always pushes you forward is good company. Someone who asks for explanations, doubts and questions you is not good company.
So never doubt someone’s love for you. Never question or complain all the time. Move on!

Q: There are many organizations that teach Yoga and Meditation in India, including The Art of Living. If we are all working for the same cause, which is to bring peace to mankind, then why are all these organizations so different?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Listen, people of the same intention will always be together. Though they do it in different ways, there is no conflict since the cause is the same.
You know, the spirit loves diversity.
When I went to Pakistan, people asked me why do we have so many Gods in India? There should be only one God.
I told them, ’Why do you have so many varieties of dishes made from the same wheat?
God has created so many vegetables. He did not make only egg plant and say, ‘Eat this all your life.’ See how many varieties of vegetables and fruits the Divine has created, isn’t it? That is how! In India there are many Gods, but only one Paramatma (Supreme Consciousness). One God is in so many different names and forms. That is celebration.’

See how many colors everybody is wearing over here. If everybody was in one uniform this would appear like a military camp! Got it?
Variety is the beauty of creation and we must honor that. They loved it a lot when I said this and they said, ‘Nobody has explained it to us like this before!’ 

Q: A person believes in God but cheats and robs. Another does not believe in God but never cheats. Who is right?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar:
You have already given the answer!
It is like asking me, ‘I have kept coal in one plate and butter in another. What would you like?’ It is so clear.
If someone believes in God, how can he cheat others? I don’t understand this.
It could also be that his conscience would be pricking him badly for cheating others and he could be asking God for forgiveness.
A person who cheats is stuck in ignorance. There is no vastness. There is fear in him somewhere and that is why he does things like that. 

Q: One of my friends has gone insane. He works 24X7. His parents don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: I see this happening a lot nowadays. There is so much peer pressure, pressure to perform well in exams. So they keep reading so much day and night.
A youth came and told me that he reads with four big lamps focused on his table and he studies day and night. We need to care of the brain. You cannot overuse the brain like that. Then suddenly something happens and the fuse goes off!

Do Yoga and meditation regularly. It is not enough to do it once in a while. Bring all such issues to the YES+ desk.

讓婚姻成功背後的秘訣
在情緒,聲音和Raga(韻律節奏)裡有個連接。最後一首Bhajan(祈禱歌)唱到Jogiya Raga。你不能把韻律節奏和羅陀(Radha)連接。如果你說“濕婆,濕婆”這會和不動心的韻律節奏符合。有一次有個人被邀請參與婚宴,而且還被要求唱歌。他就用卡納達語唱到『我的靈魂啊,為什麼你離開我的身體遠去?這個死亡合理嗎?』這首歌會適合場合嗎?你不可在任何場合隨意唱歌。情緒和韻律節奏必須要符合。

我們的生命也是相似。生命的河流一直在流動,但是與其專注在前方,我們卻不停的往後看。你可能有留意到當一個在流動的河流遇到阻礙物的時候,它會倒流。當它倒流時,污垢就會匯集。向前流通的會是清潔的。相同的,如果我們持續不斷的往前,心智是愉快的。但是如果我們不停的想著從前的事情,我們的心智會一團糟。這是我的看法,你認為呢?
今天沒有人問問題!這裡只有兩個可能性。一是你全都知道了。第二是我所說的你一句都不明白(古儒吉在用卡納達語說話)。你是處於那一個情況?
聽眾說:我們看到你的時候,我們就忘掉所有的問題了!
古儒吉:這很好。

問:讓婚姻成功的背後有些什麼秘訣?
古儒吉:我覺得你問錯人了!有個從德國來的男士和意大利來的女士。他們兩位都曾經結過幾次婚。他們來到這裡說『古儒吉,請給我們你的祝福。讓這個婚姻可以成功。』我問那位男士,他是否會意大利語言,他說不會。我又問了那位女士,她是否會德語,她也說她不會。他們兩位都不會英文。我就說『不要去學彼此的語言, 那這段婚姻就會成功!』在卡納達語裡有個諺語是這麼說的『透過語言,衝突才會發生。透過語言,人們才會有樂趣。透過語言,人們才能得到財富。所以應該謹慎的使用語言。』

很多時候當人們有誤解的時候,他們說『讓我們談一談吧。』這"談一談"是行不通的。我們應該完全不要去談及它。只是向前進就好。就是這樣。不要坐下來談論過去。不要對過去要求解釋。當錯誤發生了,它就是發生了,就是這樣而已。你應該向前走。

去想像你犯了一個錯誤,然後有人不斷的向你索取解釋。要去解釋那錯誤或是要為自己辯解是多麼沉重的事情,對嗎?不要去讓別人覺得愧疚。這是很重要的。那個你讓他覺得愧疚的人,在你內心深處將不再是你的朋友了。那段友情就會被鬆解。要讓一個人知道自己的錯誤但卻不會讓他感到愧疚是有技巧的。但是人類的傾向就是要讓對方覺得愧疚,那麼他們就會覺得高興了。我們必須從這正常的傾向裡提升,不要去讓別人覺得愧疚。這樣一來你們的關係就會長遠。

這裡有個秘密是給男人的,另一個是給女人的。如果你詳細去思考,可能這會行得通。對於女人,妳永遠都不應該踩在男人的自尊上。全世界都可以對那男士說他沒有腦袋,但是身為太太的永遠都不可以那樣說。她應該常說『你是這星球上最聰明的人』。她應該常常增強他的自尊。這是不可缺少的。如果一個女人一直對她的伴侶說『你一無是處。你是蔬菜!』那他就真的會變成那個樣子了!

現在輪到給男人的秘密了——一個男人永遠都不要踩在女人的情緒上。她可能會對你埋怨她的哥哥,或母親,或家人,但是你不該參與她的行列。在你認同她的那一刻開始,她就會反轉來說了。與其繼續她的埋怨,她反而會開始埋怨你。她會開始反過來說。還有,如果她要去一些宗教信仰的活動,朝聖,看電影,購物,你就認同她並給她信用卡就好!你只要不踩在女人的情緒上,那麼一切都會相安無事。


還有對你們兩位——不要去證明對方有多愛你。不要去問『你真的愛我嗎?』不要讓別人有需要去證明他有多愛你的負擔。你明白嗎?如果你覺得他們不夠愛你,你應該說『為什麼你那麼愛我?』不要去說『你不愛我』這一類的東西。

問:如果有人來挑釁我們,我們只需要保持沉默就好還是我們應該給他們一個教訓?如果我們保持沉默,他們會以為我們是懦弱的,但是如果我們教訓他們,他們就說我們在心靈上沒有成長。
古儒吉:要教訓別人,我們應該保持冷靜。如果你有憤怒,你很不安,那麼你不能教訓別人。同樣的你也不該只是讓著他們。以慈悲心去教育他們。這會給予你力量。如果你明白他們的處境,了解為什麼他們要挑釁你,你就會以冷靜和安詳的心去和他們相處。

問:我們要如何解決那些經常在我們周圍散播負面情緒的人?
古儒吉:首先你要知道沒有人會一直散播負面情緒。第二是有技巧的應對它。第三,不去理會它。

問:請解釋我應該如何處理這樣的處境?我無條件的愛一個人,但是他視之為理所當然的。我該如何面對這個傷痛?
古儒吉:噢,他們視之為理所當然?他們沒有回應你的愛?他們沒有表現出對你的愛?是這樣嗎?不要去責問他們的愛。如果你覺得他們不愛你,以其去指責他們說『你不愛我』,不如你去問他們『為什麼你那麼愛我?』
去想像,如果有人一直指責你,說你對他們不好,指責你和他們在一起並不愉快,說你不友善,你會怎麼樣?(答:我們覺得被嘮叨了。)對!現在你知道你對對方做了什麼事情了吧?知道嗎?
沒有人會喜歡和一個無時無刻都在埋怨的人在一起。有沒有人喜歡和一個常常對你嘮叨,然後又要求你解釋並證明你的愛的人在一起?不!這是多麼沉重的負擔,多麼無聊!一個好的同伴是一個會提升你的靈魂的人。如果一個人沒有心情的時候,他會說『嘿,得了吧!忘記那一切。我們向前走吧。』一個有熱忱的人,一個會推你向前走的人就是一個好同伴。一個向你要求解釋,懷疑你和質問你的人是不理想的同伴。所以不要去懷疑別人對你的愛。不要每時每刻都在質問和埋怨。向前走吧!

問:在印度有很多教瑜伽和靜心的團體,其中包括生活的藝術。如果我們的目的就是要帶給人類和平,那麼為什麼每一個團體都是那麼的不同呢?
古儒吉:聽好,那些有著相同動機的人就會處在一起。雖然他們都有不同的做法,但是這裡是沒有衝突的,因為出發點是一樣的。靈性是喜愛多元化的。當我去到巴基斯坦的時候,人們問我為什麼在印度有那麼多的神?應該只有一位神而已。我告訴他們『為什麼同樣的麥要做出那麼多種類的菜餚呢?』神創造了很多的蔬菜。祂不是只是創造了茄 子然後對你說『你一輩子就只吃這個吧』。看吧,神性創造了那麼多種類的蔬菜和水果,對嗎?這就是為什麼印度會有很多的神,但是只有一個 Paramatma(最高的意識)。一位神但是以不同的名字和形式。這就是慶典。看一看在場大家所穿的服裝有多少色彩?如果大家都穿制服,這裡就會像是軍營,對嗎?多元化是創造界的美妙,我們應該給予它榮耀。』他們聽了很高興而且說到『從來沒有人對他們那麼解釋過!』

問:一個信奉神的人還會欺騙和搶劫。另一個不信神的人卻不曾欺騙。誰是對的?
古儒吉:你已經有答案了!這就好像在問我『我在一個盤裡放了火炭,另一個盤裡放了牛油。你要那一個?』答案很明顯。如果一個人信奉神,他為什麼會欺騙別人?我不明白這點。也許他的良心會刺痛著他,而他會祈求神的原諒。一個欺騙的人會陷入無知裡。那裡沒有浩瀚曠闊。他的內在有些恐懼,所以他才會那麼做。

問:我們朋友失常了。他每天工作24個小時。他的父母不知道要怎麼辦才好。我也不知道要怎麼辦。
古儒吉:我發想最近這樣的事情經常發生。同伴之間的壓力很大,要在考試裡取得好成績。所以他們日日夜夜的不停讀書。有個年輕人告訴我他用4個大燈照在他讀書桌上,而他日日夜夜都在讀書。我們要照顧好我們的頭腦。你不應該使用過度。不然突然間有突發事件的話它就會失效了。定時做瑜伽和靜心。偶爾才做是不足夠的。也把這類問題交到 YES+(生活的藝術青少年課程)去。

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